The Mountain Won!

When we decided to live in the camper all winter until our house is finished being built next year, I was skeptical to say the least.  Having no electricity, water or sewage, everyone kept telling us that it couldn't be done, but.....WE KNEW BETTER!  Dwynn, the survivalist was going to prove every experienced Montana lifer, wrong. 

The fall temperatures held out longer than expected and we felt like winners, thinking this isn't so bad after all.  There were a lot of preparations that had to be done to the camper so we can survive the bitter cold.  We have been using the out-house since August, which hasn’t been so terrible.  Installed, there is a motion detector light for nighttime which we thought was very clever.  It wasn’t until that first evening we realized it turns off after only thirty seconds.  Whenever I am in there for any amount of time during the night, I get more exercise waving my arms frantically, than I do in the gym!  See, there is a positive side to everything.

We beautifully decorated our out-house with an original print, from the third or fourth hand store for twenty-five cents.  Chloe framed and matted our newest masterpiece to match the colors of the wall.  I placed our one and only camper-warming gift, a bright green coffee plant in the urinal, which nobody was allowed to use.    A nicely printed sign was placed just below the plant warning “No One Is to Use This Urinal or Momma Bear Will Get You!”  Not to be left out, Dwynn added his touch by adding a plunger.  At first, guests didn’t realize that you don’t use a plunger in an out-house, so I thought. 

In preparation, Dwynn bought rolls of foam pipe insulation.  He spent countless hours after work, wearing his headlamp, trying to beat the first winter storm.  To begin, he had to first unpack all the storage compartments under the camper so he could reach the flooring and walls.  He then had to detach all the movable panels so he could reach the plumbing.  After successfully foam wrapping all the pipes, he reattached the walls and flooring, and then he placed all of our earthly belongings back under the camper in the storage space.  Quite proud of himself, he then stacked and packed tightly at least fifty wet bales of straw under and all around the camper to further insulate.  Finally finished at 3:00 am, he came inside and collapsed.  Deep nasal snoring was heard around the mountain top within three minutes.  At the fifth minute, I heard the cat meow FROM UNDER THE CAMPER!  All I kept thinking of was the song I was going to sing to him when I told him this good news, “It Sucks To Be Me.”  Needless to say, the cat is now free and thriving.

Four days later on Tuesday afternoon was my Ronan Woman’s Bowling League.  Every week my teammates quiz me on how the Montana Newbie’s are surviving.  I couldn’t wait to tell them how proud I was of Dwynn and all that he had accomplished.  After explaining our triumphs, (I get credit for just staying there) they asked how much we paid for the electric heat tape he wrapped around the pipes BEFORE the foam insulation.  Then they asked where we found the foil thermal skirting placed around the camper BEFORE the straw bales.  My elation was totally diminished.   That evening over wine and candlelight I told him this good news!

We both knew how HE’D be spending his next day off!  Still no snow so we’re OK, not, Murphy’s Law as usual.  Wednesday night while we were lying in bed, the rain started.  I nervously lay awake and listen, with my legs crossed, not because of Dwynn but because I didn’t want to go outside to use the out-house.  After what seemed like an eternity, silence came at day break.  I was so terrified to look outside.  We had been waiting for this moment for months.  I opened the door and all I could see was WHITE.  The ground, the air, the sky, all white!  It just so happens that this morning was the beginning of the worst winter Montana has seen since 1975!  Dwynn was not a happy camper, literally.  Not only did he have to disassemble everything again, he needed to move all the wet snowy straw, which now weighs about 250 lbs. per bale.  Friday he played hooky from work and was under the camper working until Sunday.  I sat in the camper thinking of buying stock in Dr. Pepper since we are its major supporters, listening to the muffled groans beneath me.

The next dilemma was conquering our one mile rutted, hilly driveway.  This was not going to be as easy as the insulation.  Trying to leave the property, first Dwynn’s dooly got stuck and then my Suburban.  Snow was coming down faster than we could shovel.  We called a friend who plows snow and after trying several times, his truck just couldn’t make it up the mountain.  Problem was, we were up and everyone else was down!  Now I understand why we have such peaceful solitude.  After four hours of shoveling and talking myself out of a panic attack, which I’ve never experienced before until now, we finally freed the Suburban and was able to make it down the mountain, thanks to gravity.  Driving slowly past our Amish neighbors in their one horse open sleigh – which they really do have (how cool is that?), we spotted a man plowing driveways with chains on his tires.  I jumped out of the car and flagged him down.  He was just finishing his current job and followed us back to our property.  His truck successfully climbed up with no trouble and he plowed for two and a half hours.  Finally I was at ease, that’s until his bill arrives.  We bought a snow blower and ordered some chains for both vehicles.  Since the driveway was plowed and the snowfall stopped, we were able to freely enter and leave our mountain.  It’s ours since no one else lives on it. 

My tire chains arrived!  When in the shop, a salesman suggested that I have my tires siped.  Anything that would prevent me from getting trapped in the snow, I’d agree to.  Siped means to cut horizontal slashes every half inch around the tires.  These are new tires and the idea of paying someone to slash them didn’t excite me, but I agreed.  Apparently everybody’s rig has their tires siped, my rig was just a newbie.  

The employee showed me how to put on my newly purchased 50 lb. chains.  It looked easy enough, but with my tires ‘siped’ I really had no intention of ever using them.  Actually, that was my new Montana goal!  Of course while at the tire shop, it starts snowing again.  Our property is thirty minutes away and I wanted to get to the camper quickly as possible.  I needed to pick Dwynn up at the hospital and Chloe at school then bee-line home.  Sure enough, the Suburban with its new siped tires won’t make it up the mountain and needs the chains.  Given that it hasn’t even been an hour since I expressed my goal, I’m a failure.  With prowess, I showed Dwynn the procedure.  He’s not the only one who can lie in the snow and accomplish something.  Smirking, he commented, “If your friends in San Diego could see you now.”   

Slowly crawling in four wheel drive, we made it up the hill.  He was very impressed.  We got out of the car to remove the chains and one of them was gone!  How could that be, we made it up the mountain?  He and I hiked up and down searching the snow banks.  They were nowhere!  Dread ebbed at my spine.  I lay back in the snow and look under the car.  Low and behold, the missing chain is there, wrapped all around my brake and axle.  The only way to release the chain was to jack the car up and remove the tire.  After AAA declined to come, the nice man who plowed for us came back and worked with Dwynn for two hours fixing the car, cha-ching.  I think I may need another lesson.  It sucks to be me!

Now back to the out-house, the next MAJOR winter challenge.   As the temperatures plummet and the snow continues to accumulate, Chloe and I refuse to go outside to use the bathroom and insist on using the one installed in the camper.  We’ll just have to pay and pray that the sewer guy can make it up the mountain to drain the tank.   Dwynn wants to live up here, he can go outside.  There is no way I was going to go out in 2-3 feet of snow, below zero temps and pull down my pants just to get frozen to the seat and try to peel off without ripping my skin.  Mind you, this was also in the middle of the night with the non-hibernating bears and wolves! 

Recently while shopping in the local Amish store I overheard two men speaking.  They were discussing how they have the children use the out-house first so that the seat is warmer for them!  Dwynn truly enjoys using the out-house.  With freezing temperatures, he even gets to use his plunger now and then.  How gross is that!!!

Well, the final blow came.  First, the camper toilet froze, then the kitchen sink faucet and then the bathroom sink faucet.  Dwynn was devastated that all his hard work and effort didn’t come to fruition, even with all the electric tape, insulation and straw.  I do feel bad for him because he has worked selflessly to sustain and keep us safe and warm.  Chloe and I are out of there, he reluctantly came too!  

Now for all of you still reading, wouldn’t this blog make a GREAT movie or book?  I decided that Meg Ryan should play my part and Dwynn initially said he’d like Danny DeVito to portray him.  Now he’s decided that he wants Danny Glover.  Spread the word!  I REALLY want my house!

I have never liked baked beans before but I LOVE this recipe!  My sister made these for a party and I had to have the recipe.  It’s the only way my family ever gets them now!

M’s Baked Beans

Serves 8

 1/8 cup Bacos

½ cup Onions, chopped

2 Garlic Cloves, minced

¼ cup Brown Sugar

1 ½ tablespoons Cider Vinegar

¼ cup Ketchup

1 drop Liquid Smoke

2 - 15 ounce cans of Vegetarian Baked Beans

1 – 15 ounce can of Dark Kidney Beans, drained and rinsed

Preheat oven to 350*

Saute onions.  Combine all ingredients.  Bake covered 30 minutes.  Reduce heat to 300* and bake 1 hour.  If time allows, bake at 200* for 1 more hour.

                                             Enjoy!